Zombie Will Think for Food

So, my plan to reread the entire HP series before Deathly Hallows comes out has failed miserably.

I was feeling fairly confident earlier this week when I was about halfway through Goblet of Fire. I mean, c’mon. I have a in degree in English, which just happens to be the language the Harry Potter books are written in. I thought I was golden.

Then I remembered Order of the Phoenix. Like, that it existed. Shit.

Anyway, here’s a haphazard list of my predictions for Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows. No spoilers here, just wild speculation.

Horcrux Hunting

Here are my best guesses at what/who/huh? the Horcruxes are.

• Ginny’s a Horcrux! I know that JKR said this wasn’t true at some point, but I don’t even care. Riddle said in CoS that he put a little of his soul into her (I wish I had the quotation, but alas, do not). That’s going to come up.
• Bellatrix is a (W)Hor(e)crux! JKR uses some really great misdirection when Snape is baiting Bellatrix in Chapter 2 of Half Blood Prince about how much Voldie trusts her. She says something along the lines of “He has trusted me with his most precious—you have no idea what he’s trusted me with—!” Or something. Also, he totally grabbed her on his way out of the Ministry when things went wrong (for him) at the end of Order of the Phoenix. Since Voldemort doesn’t really strike me as a “no man gets left behind” kind of guy, I’m saying she’s a (W)Hor(e)crux, which might also account for some of her INSANITY. Having VoldieSoul inside you probably isn’t good for one’s mental stability…
• The Locket! The one found at Grimmauld Place in Order of the Phoenix. I mean, obviously, Regulus Black and blah blah blah redemption-cakes.
• Nagini is…NOT A HORCRUX. I think Dumbledore was wrong. I have no evidence.
• Harry’s scar! Based on the simple fact that JKR has said that the final word in the series is “scar.” Wouldn’t it be nice if the last sentence focused in on Harry’s scarless forehead and, thereby, his scarless future? Awww. Unless he DIES.

DEATH WATCH 2007

This is going to be a totally unfair list of everyone who I think might die in this next book. I’m not going to limit myself. I’m preparing for Deathly Hallows to end like Hamlet. Lupin can be Horatio and drag the bodies offstage.

• One Weasley Twin. Because seriously, wouldn’t that hurt without hurting too much? I mean, we have a built in spare. They’ve never been differentiated, so I think that if George were to die, Fred would be a hollowed out husk of a man. Thus making one death sadder than if they’d both die.
• Bellatrix. Because DUH. She has to die for us to feel okay about the universe. Especially if she’s a (W)Hor(e)crux. Then, we get to avoid any sticky moral issues with Harry (or Neville!) killing her.
• Voldemort. I mean, clearly. Vold War II can only end with the Big Guy taking a fall. JKR is a tricky, tricky wench, but she’s not heartless.
• Hermione. If one of the Trio is going down, my bets are on Hermione, which would devastate me. But still…please not Ron, please please PLEASE not Ron…. Anyway, if it happens, it’ll be Voldemort who does it. And Harry and Ron will FLIP OUT and win. And then Ron will die of a broken heart.
  
• A Weasley Parent. As much as I doubt this will happen, no one can deny that the loss of Mr. or Mrs. Weasley would be HORRIBLE for everyone in the books. Especially since we’re definitely full speed ahead on the whole One Big Happy Weasley Family Theory (where Hermione, Harry, and Fleur marry Ron, Ginny, and Bill respectively, thus making everyone in the entire series a Weasley and therefore AWESOME).
  
• Hagrid. He’s just…not going to make it. I’d almost be willing to bet on this. Then again, I have been calling that since before Order of the Phoenix came out.
• Snape. Whether he’s ultimately Dumbledore’s Man Through and Through or not, he’s still going down. AND I’LL LAUGH.
  

Unfogging the Future: Assorted Other Predictions

• Snape is a good guy. But it really doesn’t matter, because no one will care. Dude’s still greasy and mean.
• That being said, Snape loved Lily. That’s why Dumbledore trusted him enough to protect him.
• Dumbledore’s portrait will dispense some awesome wisdom during this book.
• We’ll see that mirror that Sirius gave Harry again.
• All the relationships will work out. Um, except the ones where people die.
• Draco will redeem himself (ew).
• There will be a moment where Fleur walks by Ron at the wedding and isn’t affected because he LOVES HERMIONE SOOOOOOOO MUCH. True story.
• Wormtail’s debt to Harry will be repaid. Preferably, Pettigrew will die protecting Ron because I love Ron and he was probably an excellent owner to Scabbers. And Pettigrew will kind of redeem himself. And Lupin will have a moment where he sort of half-smiles and is like, “well done, Peter.” And I’ll cry because Lupin is so awesome.
• Luna will be there, being awesome and looking good like 24/7.
• AND OH MY GOD I ALMOST FORGOT: ABERFORTH DUMBLEDORE WILL PLAY A PART! He was totally in the Order the last time around but now, he’s the bartender at the Hog’s Head! And he’s going to do something COOL. I hope the goat thing gets explained…

All right, that’s all I’ve got. See you on the other side!

Prisoner of Azkaban is, hands down, my favorite book of the series and it’s the one that most often comes up when other people are picking their favorite (and believe me, as someone who initiates a lot of “what’s your favorite Harry Potter book” conversations, I know these things). While I often think that I possess a measure of expertise when it comes to issues of Geekitude, in this particular case, I differ to the ULTIMATE GEEK, Dwight Schrute from The Office. Here, Jim asks Dwight what books he would need if he were stranded on a deserted island.

Dwight: Question: is there firewood on the island?
Jim: I guess.
Dwight: Then I would bring an axe, no books.
Jim: It has to be a book, Dwight.
Dwight: Fine. Physician’s Desk Reference…
Jim: Nice. Smart.
Dwight: …hollowed out. Inside: Waterproof matches, iodine tables, beet seeds, protein bars, NASA blanket and, in case I get bored, Harry Potter and the Sorcerer’s Stone. No—Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban.

So, clearly, if Dwight knows that that’s the book he’d reread for the rest of eternity on a desert island, it’s clearly demarcated as The Favorite Harry Potter book in public consciousness.

I think that what makes this the critical darling of so many readers is—and I’ll borrow from my mom here—this is the book where Harry gains a family. Finally, little orphan Harry has someone like a father (that isn’t Hagrid…oh, Hagrid) to turn to. And there’s the whole Also, the dementors are pretty awesome

Anyway, highlights from the books!

I’d never noticed the nice little bit of Ron-love that JKR throws into what might be THE most moving part of her most moving book.

“If you want to kill Harry, you’ll have to kill us too!” he said fiercely, though the effort of standing upright was draining him of still more color, and he swayed slightly as he spoke.

Something flickered in Black’s shadowed eyes.

“Lie down,” he said quietly to Ron. “You will damage that leg even more.”

“Did you hear me?” Ron said weakly, though he was clinging painfully to Harry to stay upright. “You’ll have to kill all three of us!” (339)

What I’ve always wondered: what was Hermione’s reaction to Ron’s touching outburst? I mean, yeah, blah blah Trio together until the end, but seriously, that’s mighty bold of Ron to assume that Hermione would cosign to his death wish in the face of a known mass murderer.

Anyway, compare Ron’s outburst with Sirius’s later:

“You don’t understand!” whined Pettigrew. “He would have killed me, Sirius!”

“THEN YOU SHOULD HAVE DIED!” roared Black. “DIED RATHER THAN BETRAY YOUR FRIENDS, AS WE WOULD HAVE DONE FOR YOU!”

Aha! The something that flickered in Black’s eyes was recognition! One Loyal Homie recognizing another Loyal Homie (okay, now the word “homie” is stuck in my head and has lost any meaning it once possessed).

Then there’s Lupin. Or, as I prefer to call him, Poor Sad Lupin on account of his being THE SADDEST CHARACTER IN THE ENTIRE HP UNIVERSE.

Lupin sighed, and looked directly at Harry. “I told you, months ago, that the Whomping Willow was planted the year I came to Hogwarts. The truth is that it was planted because I came to Hogwarts. This house” — Lupin looked miserably around the room, — “the tunnel that leads to it—they were built for my use…” (353)

After about two weeks of working in College Relations at Davidson, I’ll say one thing—Hogwarts must have a huuuuuuuuge endowment, y’all. Importing a rare and ridiculous tree, planting it, building a house and creating an underground tunnel bridging the distance it takes to walk from Hogwarts to Hogsmeade, all so one kid can go to school? That’s HILARIOUS. Of course Dumbledore would do something that ridiculous.

Speaking of Dumbledore, he wasn’t really in this book a lot, but our favorite Headmaster still had some wise words near the end.

DumbleQuote: “Hagrid, I could do with a cup of tea. Or a large brandy.”