Zombie Will Think for Food

I wanted to put together a post acknowledging the fact that last week kicked off New Student Orientation. Seeing as though I am officially an Old Student who no longer matters to the ebb and flow of academia on campus, I wanted to make a list of all the knowledge that I have that might be useful to incoming freshmen. All and all, it’s largely unsuccessful and incomplete, but here it is anyway, vacillating sentiments of misty-eyed sincerity and bitter resentment and all.

Wisdom I Wish I Could Pass on to the New Freshmen

Vague, Schmaltzy Advice

• The person you are on this first day of class will not make it through September, let alone your freshman year.
• Most of the time, you won’t miss who you were before you got here.
• No matter what everyone else says, you’re allowed to be homesick. Even if it lasts all semester.
• Don’t worry so much.
• You will become so much cooler than you ever thought you’d be in your time here (well, most of you, anyway).

Practical, Davidson-Specific Advice

• For the love of God, get thee to the Writing Center, post haste.
• Never buy Coke from the Union Cafe. The pop machines by the pool tables sell the same bottles for a quarter cheaper and are overall fizzier.
• You can buy movie tickets for the AMC Theater at Exit 36 at the Ticket Office for, like, way cheap. Buy early and save a bunch.
• Go to Big Bite’z at Exit 28 and get one of those punchy card things. And get to punchin’, because they’ve got the best gyros ever.
• Same goes for the Number 1 China Buffett at Exit 28. It’s EPIC.
• E-mail your professor and ask for a syllabus early so you can order your books used from Amazon.com or abebooks.com. Also, sell your textbooks online, since you’ll always get more money for them then you will trading them in at the bookstore.
• Get a library card at the Davidson Public Library immediately.
• Speaking of libraries, make friends with all the librarians and staff over at the college library. They’re one of the best kept secrets on campus.
• Commons food is awesome–and ever so much better than it was when I was a freshman–so don’t let anyone convince you differently.
• Funny thing: class isn’t a one-on-one conversation between you and your professor. So don’t mumble your responses to the lecture and have unspeakably focused eye contact with the prof, mmmkay?

Hard-Earned Knowledge from Recent Graduates

• Just break up with your boyfriend/girlfriend from home now. It’ll save you a whole lot of problems later, not to mention a couple of plane tickets.
• Along those same lines: you will stop keeping in touch with your friends from high school. It’s a sad, true fact. In fact, you will begin to notice yourself recasting the roles of your friends from home with new friends. Just don’t verbalize that to friends from home; they won’t appreciate it.
• You are going to be followed around by at least one really, really weird kid. Assume an attitude of polite indifference and it should pass. Should.
• You will retain about 5% of the friends you make your freshman year. You’ll make most of your permanent friends sophomore and junior year.
• Don’t attempt to have the D.T.R. (Define The Relationship, for the uninitiated) discussion too early in a potential relationship. It’s a proven scientific fact that men and women between the ages of 18 and 22 are sketchy as hell and will bolt in the opposite direction.
• The best and most important thing you’ll learn freshman year is that no, your professors don’t expect you to read everything. They expect you to prioritize and get some sleep, asshats.