Filed under: invitation | Tags: disney, orphans, tee vee, wayback machine
In the interest of assuring that I update this blog regularly and with the brilliance that has become expected of it (SHE JOKED), I’m instituting a new retrospective, recurring Thursday feature called NostalgiaWatch: Things I Remember So You Don’t Have To. Because let’s face it–some stuff was just better in the nineties.
For example, those of you blessed as I was as a child will remember the following:
Back before Disney got just a little bit evil around the edges, the Disney Channel’s Disney Afternoon was an afterschool beacon of cartoony goodness without any commercials. That meant two-hour blocks of awesome cartoons including such gems as:
What genius decided to take two relatively minor, classic Disney characters such as Chip and Dale and decided, “hey! these chipmunks should fight crime,” I don’t know. But I’d buy them a drink, if I could. The most important things I took away from Chip & Dale: Rescue Rangers was that fedoras make animated chipmunks unsettlingly attractive* and that cheese addiction is a tragically overlooked struggle among unfortunate and Australian members of the rodent kingdom.
As per Megan’s request, the obvious next step in marketing for The Davidson Trust:
And if you don’t know what this is all about (MOM)—well, meet teh internets. It’s kind of a big deal.
Okay, I’m done now! Promise!
Today, my alma mater announced the name of the no loan initiative they instituted back in March, which replaced loans with grants in the financial aid packages of incoming students. Introducing…THE DAVIDSON TRUST!
It’s Joel’s joke, but my mad Paint skillz. For more information about Davidson’s awesome no loan initiative, check the website.
Being gainfully employed, like most things, has its pluses and minuses. On one hand, having to wake up early and wear pants that lack the prefix “sweat”? That sucks. On the other hand, you get to work with fun and interesting people on cool projects, if you’re lucky. And offices tend to have office supplies and computers, both of which make me happier than I think they make most people (on account of me being in the epicenter of geek-nerd-dork-itude).
Another big plus to being gainfully employed in an office is the wide variety of ways to provide pleasant background music while working. Namely, Pandora.
For those of you who don’t know what Pandora is (I’m looking at you, mom), it’s a miraculous website that tracks what kind of music you like and turns it into a customized, personal radio station. For example, I have stations for different types of sounds I like—“indie pop,” “rock,” “folksy vocals.” They bottom line is that it translates your interest in mellow rock instrumentation, folk influences, and mild rhythmic syncopation into new artists to check out.
Why am I babbling about Pandora? I think it’s obvious.
Clearly, Pandora needs to join forces with the increasingly evil Facebook and become the world’s best dating service.
That’s right. I’m talking about…MANDORA™.
MANDORA™. An online service that takes the qualities from people you’ve liked (you know…in that way) and refers you to potential luv-ahs based on your profile.
Can you imagine how great this would be? No? That’s okay, because I CAN!
“Based on what you’ve told us so far, you seem to be interested in emotionally unavailable artists who enjoy wearing an abundance of plaid, corduroy and have an affinity for decorative eyeglasses. We’d like to refer you to Kyle. He’s an architect who enjoys modernist poetry, black-and-white movies, and painting watercolors in his free time. His mother ran off with a Sales Exec from Tuscan when he was 7, so he’s just needy enough to make you feel constantly important!”
Or!
“You’ve entered Brent O’Holyhot as a potential love interest. We’d like to offer our sincerest apologies, but Brent is engaged to be married. Might we suggest Clint McAwesomeface as an alternative? Clint, a chef from Colorado, enjoys snowboarding, spending time with his 2-year-old niece, Rebecca, and photography.”
Wouldn’t that be AWESOME?! Maybe it’s just because I’d like to outsource ALL of my social interactions to the internet, but I think I’m onto something big.
A cornerstone of the site would be the “Rate your Date” feature. After you get out of a relationship, you’d get to respond to a questionnaire about why it ended that would affect your ex’s profile. Then, the program can refer you to someone who compensates for that particular problem. Did your ex have a “daddy didn’t love me enough” complex? Was he desperately clinging to his high school identity as a football star? Don’t worry! MANDORA™ is here to help.
I’ve already got the marketing campaign sketched out. Chuck Woolery can be the spokesperson who makes a really bad joke in the commercial about how he knows all about what it takes to make a loooove connection (at which point he’ll wink into the camera, obvy).
Alright, big budget corporations. The think tank has spoken. Make it happen!
*Here is where I’d attribute a convo I had with Tom and Colin once about this very subject. But, because I know they’ll never read it, no dice. It’s my idea, write the check out to me!
